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Wrestling
My life is a wrestle. I feel as though I’m in constant battle with myself, with God, or the adversary, and I’m hoping I’m not the only one. Maybe you feel like you’re wrestling with finances, unanswered prayers, marriage, depression, motherhood, grief, loss, virtue, habits, anger, doubts, or addictions. I feel as though I always am, and I want to talk about it. After the October 2019 General Conference weekend was over, I told my husband that I was starting to feel an increased amount of opposition in every aspect of my life. Conference weekend gave me time to reflect on the positive changes I had made over the past year,…
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To the Young Adult in College
If I could go back, these are some thoughts that I would tell my younger self while I was attending college. While growing up, I had the perfect plan for my life. Disney movies were my preferred thing to watch. I always loved when the princesses meet their princes and immediately fall in love. The weddings at the end always made my so excited for when I would get married someday. I remember in young women classes making the list of qualities I wanted to look for in a future husband. The lessons about being worthy for the right person at the right time so we could get married at…
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Wrestle With Postpartum
In 2018, my husband and I found out we were pregnant! We were ecstatic! It was a dream of mine my whole life to be a mom, and it was finally happening! I spend the next eight months learning everything I could to be the most prepared I could be. I knew all the stages of pregnancy; I was prepared for labor; I researched breastfeeding; I even knew what foods my baby should and shouldn’t have up to a year old! I was debatably the most informed and prepared mom in the entire world. In March of 2019, we welcomed our precious daughter into the world. It was a dream. She…
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Postpartum Depression
One of the first aspirations I can remember having is wanting to be a Mom. At a young age, I watched The Sound of Music and Seven Brides for Seven Brothers and thought, “I want seven kids too! It looks like so much fun because everyone just dances and sings all the time!” Even as I grew up and reality set in that everyday life wasn’t a musical, I still wanted a large family. I gave up a spot on the Jr High basketball team for a twice-a-week babysitting job so I could grow my mothering skills, and in my small-town graduation ceremony where we made predictions about what we…
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Teen Pregnancy
I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and I was a teen mom. In late October of 2013, I was standing in the high school girl’s bathroom reading a pregnancy test. I was fifteen at the time, and had, for the most part, been enjoying my sophomore year. When those two little pink lines showed up indicating what I had already known, I felt the world stand still for a moment. I had so many emotions like anxiety, horror, and relief going through my mind I couldn’t think straight. I walked out of the bathroom, got in my car, and drove home. When I…
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Infertility/PCOS
PCOS. Have any of you heard of it? Neither had I. And unfortunately, it is extremely common. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. It is what it sounds like. Cysts on the ovaries. Hormones are a funny thing, and they control everything. I didn’t know I had PCOS, but I did know all about the side effects. It wasn’t until I was married and trying to conceive that we looked further into why we were yet another infertile couple. Infertility is a BIG wrestle. Not only do you wrestle with yourself and your spouse, but with God as well. It can be devastating at times, and heart wrenching. You don’t know how much…
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Pornography Addiction
Let’s be real. Pornography use is really hard to talk about, especially when you’re the one sharing your story. And more especially if you are a girl. As more and more women are sharing their stories about their struggles with pornography, I feel it’s time to share mine. This post has been a long time coming, and I haven’t wanted to share my story for fear of what people might think and how their perceptions of me might change. But I feel it’s an important step that needs to be taken in order to help others realize they are not alone. The truth is, pornography addiction affects both men AND…
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A Longing For My Sister
Where do I begin? This is something that is always on my mind, but hardly anyone knows about it, and I don’t feel like I can share my experience with most people. I wouldn’t know what to say or how to say it. I also do not want to throw my sister under the bus and make her look like the bad guy. So here I am anonymously sharing my experience in hopes that someone will understand, relate, and hopefully give me advice or direction because I am completely lost. I just need some hope at this point. My sister, who is also my best friend and Irish twin, hasn’t…
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Husband’s Porn Addiction
I had been married for less than a year. I was working and my husband was going to school trying to finish his degree. We were poor, ate “2-for-1” burger deals, could afford only one car, and loved every minute. That newlywed phase started to disappear as I wrestled with crazy thoughts of my inadequacies as a wife. I started questioning my worth as a spouse and wondered if I was keeping him happy. If he was supposed to be home at five and didn’t get home until six, I was a basket case. I was open and asked if everything was okay. He assured me not to worry, it…
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Comparisons
I had originally planned to post my story about infertility before James and our current secondary infertility, but something has repeatedly told me to post about my wrestle with comparing myself to others. I’ve realized that I have a nasty habit of constantly comparing myself to those around me. It’s as if I can’t shut off the voice in my head that says others are better or worse than I am, judging by specific behaviors, appearances, life choices, etc… This is a constant wrestle that daily wears on me, mostly because I haven’t yet discovered how to consistently judge others or myself with righteousness and compassion. It’s easy for me…
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Depression and Anxiety
One of my most difficult (and ongoing) wrestles has been with anxiety and depression. My sophomore year of high school, I was diagnosed with general anxiety and depression disorders and was eventually put on medication to help me keep my head above the water. For over two years, I fought frequent suicidal thoughts and cut myself just to feel anything. I had occasional panic attacks that left me wanting to die. My mantra was “fake it ‘til you make it,” and boy, did I fake it! I spent time doing everything that I could participate in: drama, choir, band, volleyball, student councils, church activities and callings, etc…I had great grades…