Comparisons

I had originally planned to post my story about infertility before James and our current secondary infertility, but something has repeatedly told me to post about my wrestle with comparing myself to others. I’ve realized that I have a nasty habit of constantly comparing myself to those around me. It’s as if I can’t shut off the voice in my head that says others are better or worse than I am, judging by specific behaviors, appearances, life choices, etc…

This is a constant wrestle that daily wears on me, mostly because I haven’t yet discovered how to consistently judge others or myself with righteousness and compassion. It’s easy for me to think and learn about judging righteously, but I need way more practice because the habit eludes me.

Sometimes it seems that the older I get, the more insecure I become. In high school, I didn’t care much about wearing makeup or dressing up each day. In fact, my brothers once defined my style as “homeless lady.” I would go for months in the winter without shaving my legs because 1) I hated shaving and thought it was a waste of time, and 2) knee hiiiiiighs. I wasn’t interested in playing the clique game, and it drove me insane when groups of kids wouldn’t talk to others because of “differences.” The social castes in high school were a joke, and I assumed graduation would break those social barriers. (Hilarious, right? I was wrong, of course, and have disappointingly discovered that female drama is still a thing—and apparently doesn’t end with age).

I still don’t care about stuff like makeup or shaving, but my insecurities have seemed to grow over time because now the content of my comparisons aren’t focused solely on others’ smooth legs, flawless makeup, or who got the highest test score in class. Now my comparisons revolve around much broader (but just as petty) subjects, such as pregnancy, finances, marriage, church activity, etc…

For example, here are some comparisons and judgments similar to ones I’ve made about myself and others in the last few years:

Seriously!? She’s PREGNANT!? Why does she, who clearly has “insert-the-blank” issues, get to have a baby while I don’t!? What am I lacking? Faith? A working body? A purer love of babies!?
Why does their marriage seem effortless while mine feels like it’s falling apart? What is it? Is she more attractive than I am? Does she have more patience? Is she just perfect!?
Of course they’re posting about their newly purchased house on social media. First of all, no one cares, and second of all, why don’t I have one?? Ugh. I suck at budgeting.
Why is she constantly posting quotes from general conference? Does she think she’s so righteous that shoving it down our throats is going to raise us up to her higher level?
I get it. She has the time, energy, and commitment to regularly exercise and eat healthily. But really, what parts of her life are lacking because of her health? Her relationship with her kid? Spouse? Does she binge off camera? What ISN’T she showing us on social media!!????
Whoa whoa whoa, she said WHAT!? And she claims to be an active member of her church? Hmm. That’s too bad.
Holy guac, she wears way too much makeup. She must have had a pretty messed up teenage-hood and must be insecure. Tsk tsk.
She really doesn’t let her kids have screen time? Is she psycho? I bet she’s psycho.

Clearly, these comparisons are inappropriate, immature, and unrealistic. Distorted and selfish. Hurtful. Degrading. The list goes on. Comparing myself to others always results in one of three things…actually, all of these things:

I disrespect God by failing to be grateful for all He has given me.
I disrespect others by labeling them, misjudging them, and inaccurately assessing their worth based on their possessions, appearance, or behaviors.
I disrespect myself by inaccurately assessing my worth compared to others’ possessions, appearance, or behaviors.

Sometimes, the subjects of my comparisons seem weightier to me than they did years ago because I am now “adulting” and feel that I must work to live up to the world’s strict standards even more than I did in high school. But taking a moment to step away from those blinding standards helps me realize that comparing myself to others always breeds complaints and negativity. I then ask these questions:

Is it possible for me to judge someone else negatively without raising myself on my own mental pedestal?
Is it possible to judge someone else as being better than I am without lowering my self perception?
How do I stop making these detrimental comparisons?
What is an appropriate comparison?
Is there even such a thing as an appropriate comparison?

Perhaps the answers lie in my search for self-worth and respect instead of “self-esteem,” which I define as the self-gratifying feelings I seek from comparing my individual talents and capabilities to others’. Maybe comparisons are appropriate only when made to who I used to be or who I want to become.

I really don’t have any well-developed answers to my list of questions, but I have found that a few specific actions help me put a damper on the maddening mental noise of comparisons. Perhaps they’ll prove helpful to someone else, too.

When I was in the bouts of my high school depression, my counselor encouraged me to start recording three things for which I was grateful each day. I did it for a while but stopped when I felt “better.” It seemed cliche and pointless to me. Over the years, I’ve come to better understand the close relationship between conscious gratitude and peace with self and others. There really is power in recording noticed blessings, or even small events that make you smile, such as smelling your favorite flower or a good ol’ jam sesh to your favorite song. Last year, I started a “tender mercy” journal that focuses on the miracles and blessings I notice each day. Writing something each day helps me set my pity party hat aside, and it increases my awareness of both the world around me and of God’s individual attention directed just on me.

Specific gratitude journals are helpful, too. Years ago, I felt like my marriage was in the depths of despair, so to say. I was constantly comparing my marriage to the relationships around us, which was incredibly easy at the time since we were living in a married student ward. It seemed to be the perfect breeding ground for jealousies and self-doubt. I came to criticize our looks, our habits, our spirituality, and felt that if we were, say, healthier or more self-sacrificing, all of our marital problems would be solved. One particularly difficult day, I felt prompted to start a daily journal solely dedicated to my husband. I would write down at least one positive thing that I had noticed about him each day. It was easier said than done at first, but over time, I realized that focusing on his strengths helped my gratitude for him increase, even during our most grueling arguments and marital discord. This habit still helps me pull my attention away from other relationships and focus on my own. Instead of making constant comparisons, it has helped me to more clearly focus on why I chose him and why I want to be worthy of him! It’s a simple habit with rippling, positive consequences.

After about six months of marriage, my husband tactfully told me that I complained…a lot. Of course I became defensive and denied that I did, but over time it became apparent that I was a master complainer! That fact was annoying to me because complainers drove me crazy. I started praying for help to stop complaining about my trials, and those prayers have helped me realize that I complain because I either compare my problems to other women’s blessings, or I compare my problems to their seemingly easier problems. When I do this, I find myself coming up short. Every. Single. Time.

In the beginning, my mental efforts to stop this process went something like this: mentally comparing myself to another woman > vocally complaining about my life to my husband or anyone listening > slowly recognizing my irrational thinking > mentally or vocally expressing my gratitude for my own life. The transition from mental comparisons to gratitude has significantly sped up and smoothed out over the years, but it’s still a difficult transition to make, especially when I’m feeling particularly cranky. Praying for help is a simple way for me to remember to stop, drop the comparison, and roll with my blessings. (Cheesy, I know, but I like the imagery.)

When we lived in Rexburg, I had the opportunity to serve in the relief society presidency of one of our wards for a while. I became well acquainted with some amazing women, which obviously led to regularly comparing myself to them (man, do I wrestle with comparisons or what!?). One woman in particular blew my socks off with how service-oriented and non-judgmental she was. My feelings for her oscillated between admiration and jealousy; why wasn’t I more like her? Why didn’t I love people the same way she did? Why was she so much better at time management than I was? At times, I found myself dreading being around her because I only ever felt worse about myself. It took me months to realize that nothing she did ever made me feel that way; she was only ever loving and accepting of me. I was the one causing these negative experiences for myself, and I discovered that comparing myself to her usually led to my laziness and justification of less-than-admirable behavior. Rather than strive to emulate her good example, I reveled in “being good enough as I was” while constantly searching for her flaws. I justified thinking negative thoughts, saying petty things, and watching things I shouldn’t have watched, all while thinking, “Well, I’m not her, so why do I need to change?”

Believing such things and behaving in this way became exhausting, and I didn’t like the bitter, judgmental person I was becoming. I finally realized that I needed to “take it or leave it.” For example, if I discovered myself becoming jealous of one of her talents or personality traits, I would ask myself, “Is this something I would like to have or be?” If it was, then I would “take it” and do everything within my power to develop that talent or trait. If it wasn’t, then I chose to “leave” the comparison in the dust, and I felt peace that came with knowing I didn’t care whether or not I was similar to her in that regard.

Now, if I notice another woman serving someone else in a way I hadn’t thought of before and I start to compare myself to her, I ask, “Is learning to serve that same way worth it? Is serving with that level of love and compassion worth it?” I usually say, “Yes!” and “take it” as motivation to act and become better. If I think someone else has great makeup, and I start to compare myself to her, I ask, “Is makeup worth my time and money? Is it really something I care about?” This is usually something I “leave.” What I desire to “take” or “leave” varies from year to year, which is just fine, so long as I’m being honest with myself. The practice helps me feel more in control of my life and enables me to become who I want to become, rather than who I think others wish me to be.

Of course, there may be some things I want to “take” (such as developing a certain talent, taking humanitarian trips, becoming more patient, having another baby, etc…) that just aren’t in my cards for the time being, whether due to finances, time, resources, or some other factor. I think it’s important to acknowledge that sometimes, other people do have talents or possessions or blessings that I may not receive for a long time, or even in this life. I think this acknowledgement without comparison is vitally important. It’s difficult, and it usually leads me to sadness or frustration with my circumstances. But you know what? Feeling those negative emotions are OK. Being sad that I don’t have another baby is OK. Feeling frustrated that our car just died on us is OK. It’s when I let my emotions or thoughts negatively affect the way I treat others or myself that it becomes NOT OK.

One of my favorite talks on appropriate comparisons (I suppose there is such a thing) is Divine Discontent by Michelle D. Craig. She says, “We should welcome feelings…that call us to a higher way, while recognizing and avoiding Satan’s counterfeit—paralyzing discouragement. This is a precious space into which Satan is all too eager to jump. We can choose to walk the higher path that leads us to seek for God and His peace and grace, or we can listen to Satan, who bombards us with messages that we will never be enough: rich enough, smart enough, beautiful enough, anything enough. Our discontent can become divine—or destructive.”

If your emotions and thoughts motivate you to become better or lean a little heavier on God, roll with them! If they drag you down to inactivity, pessimism, complaint, and poor judgment, then it may be wise to take a moment and acknowledge what is in your power to change and what isn’t. Acknowledge those emotions, and then take them or leave them! I’ve recognized that if I do everything in my power to achieve the thing I want while putting all of my trust in Heavenly Father’s timing and blessings, I can acknowledge my emotions without letting them affect how I view and treat others. I’m also more capable of feeling sincere joy for others’ successes. It’s liberating!

Unfortunately, I’ve made many comparisons to other women in the past that have led to my extreme misjudgment of them. For example, if a woman isn’t as talkative as I am, I assume she’s standoffish, or I assume she’s constantly judging me to be too talkative, which in turns makes me dislike her. (Ugh. Comparisons propagate this vicious cycle of distrust and insecurity.) Based on my comparisons, I’ve misjudged other women to be snobby when they’re really just shy; know-it-all when they really just have a love of information; lazy or sloppy when really, they’re struggling to find the will to live; selfish when they’ve never learned to interact with others in an appropriate way; again, the list goes on.

I know it’s been said before, but most of the time, the easiest way for me to stop comparing myself to another woman is to serve her! Serving other women has proven to be a successful way for me to stop thinking about myself while also getting to know them better. Knowing more about someone naturally leads to making correct, or at least more accurate, judgments, which leads to honest, trustworthy relationships (at least in my experience).

Putting effort into loving and serving others rather than spending time justifying my comparisons also leads me to feeling content with my perception of both myself and others. My wise grandpa once wrote, in reference to Matthew 22:35-39, “Love others, How? Lose our lives (our selves) in the service of others, not the search for ourselves, and then we will find ourselves. Nothing makes me like myself more than doing what I know to be right (usually difficult). Nothing is more self-denigrating than doing what I know I shouldn’t (usually easy).”

And now, some thoughts on comparisons from a younger and wiser me.

Each of these journal entries is from May 2019:

Luke 15:27-32 – I must always remember that other people’s repentance doesn’t represent rivalry between us on our journey to God. He doesn’t compare me to anyone else. He simply measures me with His standards for being in His presence. I am not in competition with any of my brothers or sisters at all! We are all on the same team, competing with the adversary, so I must do all I can to help them through mortality back to our Father!
Matthew 20:1-16: How do I feel about people who live in sin and decide to repent after a LONG time? Do I truly feel that they deserve all I deserve? My first inclination is to say, “NO! That’s not fair!” But is it not? If someone is truly repentant and truly forgiven, regardless of what they’ve done, do they not also deserve a life with Heavenly Father? Compared to other righteous members of God’s church, I fall so short, but I still truly feel I deserve a chance to gain all they will receive, too, even if I’m slower at the perfecting process than they are or were.
But that desire is still focused on comparison and competition; I will not be judged by being compared to everyone else, nor will others be judged in comparison to me, so it doesn’t really matter to me (or shouldn’t, really) what their reward is in the end; that’s between them and Heavenly Father, just as my reward after this life will be between me and Heavenly Father. This is why it’s so important not to judge others unrighteously, EVER.
My light is never diminished when someone else’s is added upon!

Here are some other great readings that have helped me fight the wrestle against comparisons:

The Laborers in the Vineyard by Jeffrey R. Holland
The Challenge to Become by Dallin H. Oaks
3 Nephi 14:1-5 (Direct words of Christ)

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