Depression and Anxiety
One of my most difficult (and ongoing) wrestles has been with anxiety and depression. My sophomore year of high school, I was diagnosed with general anxiety and depression disorders and was eventually put on medication to help me keep my head above the water. For over two years, I fought frequent suicidal thoughts and cut myself just to feel anything. I had occasional panic attacks that left me wanting to die. My mantra was “fake it ‘til you make it,” and boy, did I fake it! I spent time doing everything that I could participate in: drama, choir, band, volleyball, student councils, church activities and callings, etc…I had great grades and great friends, yet I felt dead inside and found no lasting joy in being with others. I slept when I could, cut when I felt hopeless, and longed to find some end to the numbness.
The combined efforts of my patient parents, mentors, a counselor, medication, and personal revelation led me to transfer high schools, which ended up being one of the best decisions of my life. I continued going to counseling, and I recall walking down the hall of my new high school one day and feeling pure peace for the first time in over a year. It was one of the most liberating feelings, and it restored my hope in a life outside of darkness.
My last two years of high school hold some of my favorite memories, although I wasn’t free of cutting episodes and bouts of deep depression. I continued on medication through my first year of college at BYU-Idaho. Within my first two months there, I was emotionally drowning and sought out counseling once more. My counselor there helped me begin to understand my codependency and began my transition off of medication. After I studied codependency for a while, I began making changes in my life for the better. I broke up with a boyfriend, started exercising by myself, and began developing a self-love and independency I had never before enjoyed. I discovered my love of alone time and deepened my passion for learning, particularly about truths pertaining to family.
My self-appreciation and healthy coping mechanisms blossomed that year. Had it not been for the experiences I had then, I don’t think I would have been prepared to develop a lasting relationship with Matt (my husband) or endure all we went through the year after we met. For some miraculous reason, I avoided having anxiety attacks my first two years of college, but they returned soon after I married Matt. He would hold me and keep me from clawing at my skin when I felt as though I was suffocating. He continued to help me identify and practice healthier coping mechanisms and is still my #1 supporter to this day.
I return to counseling when I feel that I need it and am more conscientious about what helps/hurts my emotional well being. As I’ve said, this is an ongoing wrestle of mine; some days are better than others, but I can recognize that I win more of my matches now than I did ten years ago, or even last year!
Looking back on my battles so far, I can identify several strategies and blessings that have helped me survive. I will share just a few.
I developed a relationship with my middle school English teacher that turned out to be critical in my first years of high school. She became my mentor and was endlessly compassionate and patient with me. Her room at school became my sanctuary. She allowed me to sit and sob during lunchtime if needed. She listened without judgment and offered wise advice (that, looking back, I did not take as often as I should have, to my chagrin). In fact, she was the first in whom I confided many of my struggles with depression and cutting, and she encouraged me to talk to my parents and seek help when I most needed it.
She believed in me and helped me focus on developing my talents as a writer. I attribute my passion for English to her, and much of the academic success I enjoyed in college stemmed from all I learned while in her classroom.
I consider her to be my high school “guardian angel” since she ended up working at the same high school to which I had transferred. Yet again, her office provided the comfort and wisdom I sought in difficult times, although it was less needed in my last two years of high school. I don’t believe she will ever fully understand the positive impact she has had on my life.
I will forever be grateful to my past self for choosing vulnerability over silent suffering. Being vulnerable is difficult, especially when you feel as though you’re irreparably broken. Opening up to one adult enabled me to seek help from my parents and counselors. I can recognize the value of open communication much more now than I did then; so, according to my experience, my first suggestion of winning matches against depression/anxiety would be to find a trusted individual or counselor to talk with about your wrestle. If you don’t feel as though you have such an individual in your life, keep searching and hanging on for just a bit longer until you find him/her! I promise that the right people can provide a safe space full of love and patience, so long as you choose vulnerability.
I began to develop and cultivate my religious testimony a year or so before my depression/anxiety escalated. I’m grateful for that timing because as I sought to numb myself to the negative emotions flooding my life, I unknowingly numbed myself to the positive ones as well. I now understand why that happens, but at the time, it was frustrating and left me feeling hopeless.
Regardless of how I was feeling, I put any small ounces of faith I had into personal habits I believed would help me draw closer to God, even though I didn’t see any fruitful consequences for many months. This included daily scripture study and prayer, weekly church meetings, temple attendance when I could, and seminary. Some days were easier than others, but I held onto the idea of religious consistency like a lifeline.
There was one night near the end of my junior year of high school when I felt submerged in complete darkness. I had just cut again, and I felt as though I was doomed to repeat my self-destruction for the rest of my life. I knelt in prayer and just sobbed. I didn’t know what to say, but I remember hoping that God would either miraculously heal me or somehow take me from the earth. I felt I could handle one or the other, but continuing to carry such a heavy, dark burden was incomprehensible to me. I cried for quite some time, and as I was preparing to stand up, I saw in my mind two individuals: Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. They were standing with me in my mental realm of darkness, and I remember them looking more somber and concerned than I had ever imagined them being. They spoke two life-changing facts to my heart: 1) They both knew exactly what I was experiencing, and 2) My body was a gift from them; they did not empathetically condone any form of self-harm.
My feelings after this revelation were mixed. I felt a monumental sense of relief that at least two individuals knew perfectly what I was going through. Depression is so isolating and degrading, so the belief that I had the empathy of two perfect beings provided an emotional freedom that tremendously eased my burdens. I also resented being chastised for cutting, but I soon recognized that if I sincerely wanted their help to heal, I needed to leave such habits behind. And I did! That was the last night I ever cut myself. Have I been tempted to cut since then? You bet. But the thought of disappointing people who have given me my very self helps me overcome frequent temptation to harm my body.
So, my second suggestion for winning matches against depression/anxiety would be to hang on to simple habits that help you draw closer to deity, even if you don’t see the consequences of your actions when you expect to see them. Had I succumbed to the temptation to dismiss prayer as a habit when I started numbing my emotions, I have no doubt that I would’ve spiraled much further than I did. I never would have received the revelation that literally helped me change my actions for the best. Sometimes it feels as though it’s all utterly pointless, and I understand the allure and comfort of believing that way, but please remember: Fighting with uplifting personal habits (whatever they may be) will be well worth it. I am proof!
I have always imagined Satan spending all his time and energy throwing external temptations at me, such as drugs, alcohol, or porn. According to my previous perception, sometimes they were veiled, but mostly they were blatant and obnoxious. After reading Putting on the Armor of God by Steven Cramer this year, I realized how often Satan uses internal, mental attacks to pin me. I’ve pondered the wrestle he sends straight to my mind and realized that he is constantly whispering lies like:
- You are totally alone. No one understands you, especially your husband, which means he SUCKS because he’s supposed to be your #1 fan. You think had a great revelatory experience years ago that helps you feel supported, but did it really happen? Or was it a figment of your imagination, procured out of a desperation to “get better”?
- Go ahead, wallow in anxiety and self-pity. Let it fester and don’t seek help. (Remember, no one would understand you anyway if you did.)
- Oh, so you want to express frustrating emotions, but you think no one will care? Sugar will help you feel better! Sugar understands.
- No more sugar? How about Social Media?
- Tired of everyone else’s perfect lives? Try a nap. It’ll help you escape.
- Too anxious to sleep? Try crying in the shower – but remember, DON’T tell your husband you’re crying because he’ll make an overly dramatic deal about how emotional you are.
- Showers are nice – they provide ample opportunity to review every single negative thing in your current life. Don’t forget to pay respects to all those past mistakes you will never be able to resolve or be truly forgiven of. And it’s ok to think of these things on repeat because you’re already crying anyway!
- Oh, did all the crying amp up your negative emotions until you’re shaking? Not feeling better? What about cutting, huh? It’ll get your mind off of your emotional pain while you deal with the physical pain. It’s far easier to handle and heal. Just do it.
Oh, the LIES! The endless, torturous lies! It hasn’t been until this past year that I’ve started 1) identifying Satan’s voice vs. my voice, and 2) recognizing when he tries to send his lies my way. The interesting thing about his lies (at least in my experience) is that they’re always tinted with truth. Sure, my husband doesn’t fully understand what I’m going through because he hasn’t been chronically depressed before. Yes, sugar gives me a momentary high, but it always leaves me feeling worse. Crying is indeed healthy, but not when I’m intentionally thinking of things that will make me cry harder and feel worse about myself. Satan is cunning and stealthy, but I’ve felt so much more power over my mental/emotional health this year since becoming aware of his ridiculous mental warfare.
Of course, lies are just one of his wrestling moves, but they can be incredibly powerful. How do I combat his lies? Here are a few examples:
- Whenever I discern his lies permeating my thoughts, I physically shake my head and start reciting truth to myself, such as, “My husband loves me and cares about what I have to say”; “I have power over how I react to my anxiety, such as eating a healthy snack or exercising”; or, “I have a Savior to turn to when I feel all alone and hopeless.”
- Whenever I do something founded in those truths, such as exercising or spending quality time with my spouse and son, I mentally shout truths at Satan. Sounds kind of silly, but it’s been incredibly empowering to metaphorically smack him over the head with truths such as, “Ha! I have a body that I get to exercise, and you don’t! I get to feel the power of my muscles and experience the rush of healthy chemicals that come from a hard workout, which is something you’ll never feel,” or “Suckaa, I have an amazing family and have felt love sweeter than any you will ever enjoy.” (At this point, I essentially become Harry Potter at the end of The Order of the Phoenix.)
- If I start a discussion with Matt by saying, “I need some reassurance,” then he knows I need to talk about the lies I sometimes get confused with truth when I’m feeling weak and anxious. We discuss my thoughts for a bit, and then he provides me with a clear perspective and reminds me of truth. I do the same for him; it’s one of my favorite habits we’ve developed overtime.
My third suggestion, then, for winning matches against depression/anxiety is to take a moment and write down frequent thoughts you have about yourself. Define those you know to be lies and those you know to be true (you may need a second or third perspective for that part). Define the lies that typically kickstart your downward emotional spiral, and come up with an action plan to prevent or disrupt each thought. It may take a lot of time and self-introspection, but I guarantee it will provide some food for thought, if not your own surprise wrestling move 🙂
I understand that everyone’s experiences with anxiety and depression are widely varied; I do not expect my suggestions to help the masses. However, although I don’t understand all you’re going through, I do know there are two individuals who do. I’m also here to talk to if you need support and lovin’! Hang in there! I’m cheering for you!
-Elisabeth
3 Comments
Debbie
Thank you for sharing. This all sounds very familiar but I hadn’t thought about some of the solutions you have. Adjusting to being home with my kids has plunged me back into the fray. And of course compounding it is the guilt that I’m depressed being home. I didn’t see it coming. (I was enjoying going back to school but now we are all “quarantining” at home together, for the unforseeable future.) I shared with my husband as a springboard too. Satan uses the same tactics on me. Thanks again for sharing.
womaninwrestle
I’m sorry the quarantine has stirred up feelings of depression! This is a tough time. I think it’s great you shared your thoughts with your husband. Thanks for sharing! I hope things look up as we hang on to positivity!
Brittany
I am a bit late in the game of reading your amazing site! I love you and am so proud of you developing into who you are 💛 I surely know what depression and anxiety is like. I just had an panic and anxiety attack this week. Love you lots and your family is so adorable! Kisses, hugs, kisses and hugs (virtual)!