Husband’s Porn Addiction

I had been married for less than a year. I was working and my husband was going to school trying to finish his degree. We were poor, ate “2-for-1” burger deals, could afford only one car, and loved every minute. That newlywed phase started to disappear as I wrestled with crazy thoughts of my inadequacies as a wife. I started questioning my worth as a spouse and wondered if I was keeping him happy. If he was supposed to be home at five and didn’t get home until six, I was a basket case. I was open and asked if everything was okay. He assured me not to worry, it wasn’t a big deal. Life was just getting busy.

Fast forward: Baby #1, Baby #2, Baby #3 and then Baby #4 came…all the while feeling a distant feeling I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Why was I feeling this? Time and time again he assured me that I had nothing to worry about. I prayed, I wondered, I waited for answers, I prayed again and waited and waited. Nothing came. I resolved to believe that Satan was making up this wrestle, telling me the lies, and I listened. I just wanted the voices that had destroyed my self-worth to stop.

I will never forget that dreaded day I found the garbage on our computer. My life seemed to spin out of control as I sat dumbfounded and down right mad. Mad at him, who told me there was nothing to worry about. Mad at him, who had told me I was good enough for him. Mad at him, who assured me that he loved me. But yet, his response as I told him what I found was one of relief…relief from this plague that consumed him. At this moment I wanted to throw him on the mat; in fact, I did with my words. I yelled. I screamed. I grabbed the front of his shirt and yelled some more. I wanted to snap him like a twig. I wanted him to hurt like he had hurt me. I wanted him to be in love with me, ME!! Not the thought or image of what another woman looked like on that stupid screen.

I found myself trying to take the place of something I wasn’t. If I did what he had seen or looked like them, then would I be enough? I found myself trying to convince him I was all he needed, that I was enough for him, but in all reality, I was trying to convince myself. I was exhausted.  Soon, I turned away, as I knew I couldn’t do or be that. I started a new wrestle. Divorce wasn’t the answer, he said, but in my mind, something had to change. I turned away from him and devoted even more time to my four babies.   took them to swim lessons, played outside, went on bike rides, and just loved them. I wanted them to know that I loved them, and I would be there for them. And I kept myself busy and away from him.

After a few months of guidance from our Bishop, things seemed to change in his heart. He was going to do all in his power to sever this addiction. Although he asked for my support, it had to end, and he was ultimately the only one that could do that with the help of Jesus Christ. I tried to not be bitter, but it didn’t come easy. I was abrupt and downright ornery. I still wanted him to hurt. That was no secret. Questions ran through my head. Have you looked? Where have you been? You are working late again? Then slowly the questions turned to: How is it going? What can I do? How are you doing?

Days turned to weeks and then months of the healing process he was going through. What about my healing process, I thought? Didn’t I need to be healed as well? Oh, how I wish I had known that it wasn’t my fault and there was help for a girl like me. Along with him sharing his needs, I expressed my needs in our relationship as well. I didn’t think I was being unreasonable.  All I wanted was to not feel overlooked and be important to him. I wanted to feel worthy of having a loving, sincere relationship. Months have now turned into years, and we are still working on a loving, sincere relationship. A few times along the way I found myself getting sidetracked, thinking that someone else could fill my emotional bucket. This wasn’t the answer either. More than anything, I just wanted our family to stay together. I wanted to travel back in time when we were poor, ate “2-for-1” burger deals, could afford only one car, and loved every minute. 

It hasn’t been until the last few months that it hit me. I was sitting in Stake Conference and the speaker was talking about our self-worth. Heavenly Father needed me to hear this. My ears perked up as I listened intently: “Our true self-worth can not be measured on an earthly scale,” and then, “If we believe we are truly literal sons and daughters of Heavenly Father, we would never question our worth.” And wait for it! “It’s important to have confidence in the divine being. If we feel more of how He esteems us, then we know our worth.”  WAIT!!! WHAT DID I JUST HEAR!! GASP!

I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father. Was Heavenly Father really just answering me at this time? I had prayed and had waited for this moment. I couldn’t believe I was able to finally feel this peace since my pink wrestling shoes hit that mat all those years ago. I had been dancing around with my opponent and hadn’t realized that I…am…enough. I have been enough all along. And I will always be enough to Him. And if I am enough for Him, I should be enough for everyone else. End of story!

So, sitting on that hard chair that day in conference, I imagined myself slamming that opponent down like Nacho Libre, planting my foot on his back, and raising my arms in the air, warrior style, flexing my muscles. I had done it, He had done it, we had done it. It was over. No looking back. I knew in my greatest cheering section was Him who has always told me that I can do all things through Him. So, ladies, if you ever find yourself listening to that stupid voice that says you aren’t good enough, slam it on the ground and stomp on it. Twist your foot around if you have to so you know it is dead. You are remarkable, amazing, and worthy of being loved by our Heavenly Father. He is mindful of you. Stay close and you will always recognize His hand in your life.  And never forget…You’ve got this!

–Anonymous