A Longing For My Sister
Where do I begin? This is something that is always on my mind, but hardly anyone knows about it, and I don’t feel like I can share my experience with most people. I wouldn’t know what to say or how to say it. I also do not want to throw my sister under the bus and make her look like the bad guy. So here I am anonymously sharing my experience in hopes that someone will understand, relate, and hopefully give me advice or direction because I am completely lost. I just need some hope at this point.
My sister, who is also my best friend and Irish twin, hasn’t talked to me in almost three whole years. We were always so close together. Completely different people but always there for each other and always would be…or so I thought.
This has been an incredibly hard trial for me. I have called and texted her countless times. At one point, I called and texted her every week for months and months on end. NOTHING. Before the year mark hit, she did text me once to say thank you for the Christmas gift I had sent her. That text meant everything to me. I got excited and remained cool in hopes I wouldn’t overdo it. I just said, “You are welcome and I love you.”
We lived in the same town as each other when my husband and I had our son, and I almost lost my life due to complications. I was heartbroken and so hurt when I never got a congratulations on our newborn or anything from her. It was like she didn’t care about me almost dying or about our son. That caused a lot of pain in my heart. I took it very personally. We moved away to another state for work opportunities soon after.
The next two years were so hard. My little family had a lot of trials we had to go through, and during it all, I just wanted to call my best friend and tell her EVERYTHING. I wanted to have someone who could listen to me and always be there for me. I had stuff going on that was personal that I didn’t want to tell anyone—not even my parents—and the one person who used to be there for me wasn’t there anymore. During the first year of my sister not talking to me, I cried literally every single day. I would randomly start breaking down, and my poor husband knew exactly why I was crying. He would always love on me and comfort me. I am grateful for his support during that time. I would get triggered easily, and everything reminded me of her. I would see people and see her face instead. I would watch movies and something would remind me of her. I would dream about her and hear her uncommon name too painfully often.
The first year I was hurt but yearned so eagerly for her to let me in. I knew she was in a lot of pain, and I cried for her because it hurt me. I wanted to be there for her, and I wanted her to be there for me throughout our different hardships.
You are probably wondering, “What happened!? Why so much pain and distance?”
My sister got pregnant a month before I did, but she lost her sweet baby. I wasn’t the only other pregnant one in my family; some of our sisters-in-law were also pregnant. We were all able to keep our babies except for her. Awful, right? It absolutely breaks my heart. I honestly cannot even imagine. I understand her healing and distancing. I would do the same, but probably for a few weeks to months—not years. I am not saying she is doing it wrong, but I am sharing my story and how this has been so hard for me as well. We are simply different people, and honestly, I really don’t know how it would affect me, and I pray I never have to go through a miscarriage.
I just wish she would let me in. I would rather have her call me in tears telling me how she hates me and how unfair it is, for that is exactly what it is. But instead, she completely cut me off. I just wanted to cry with her instead of crying privately for her and because of the pain her behavior has brought to me. I have felt so many different emotions during these years. I went from hurt to hurting for her to guilty to utterly depressed and alone. I have been angry, felt not good enough for her, bitter, and so sad. It got to the point that she was dead to me and I mourned for her loss. I was so angry that this was ruining our relationship and causing so much damage to us. How could she do this? Why would she do this? I was hurt and felt betrayed at times. I felt guilty for having a baby and for feeling angry about the situation. I honestly felt it all, including being numb about it all. I really don’t know how I feel about it today. A few days ago, I was so bitter and defensive, but the next day I felt very sad for her. I am a hot mess. This has been so hard for me. I hate this trial. I hate it and I wish it would end, but a part of me feels like she will never talk to me ever again, and that thought literally kills me.
A few months ago, after I knew that my sister had gone through two miscarriages (my mom and sister keep me updated on her life), I found out that she is pregnant and is far along, and everything is well. When I heard the news, I was so happy for her but so hurt at the same time; happy that she will finally be able to keep her baby, but so hurt that she still hasn’t let me in.
I do need to add something in the mix of everything. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for a year. We haven’t experienced miscarriages, but we know firsthand what it is like to want a baby so bad and not to get it. I would see baby announcements on social media that would hurt so bad to look at. I have cried countlessly over this trial we have had to go through. It has been so hard. So, I do understand what it is like to not get a baby you want. Yes, I do have one, but it doesn’t make our situation any less painful. I know miscarriages and infertility are different, but heck, they both hurt. I do not care what others may say. None of it is fair or easy. No, my sister has no idea that we were going through this.
We shouldn’t compare our trials to others and say, “This person has it better,” or whatever. I have done this in my situation with my sister. I have felt so guilty for being in pain for trying to get pregnant. I felt like the worst person at times for ever complaining and crying about infertility when my sister couldn’t keep her babies.
I now realize that I shouldn’t feel this way. I shouldn’t feel like the bad guy for wanting something and being in pain. Pain is real. We all have it. Just because it is a different situation doesn’t mean it isn’t painful or easy. We should never compare our lives to others. We all have crap that happens to us. I hope my story not only takes this huge burden off of my shoulders but reminds each of us to be there for each other and to always be kind. Also, if you have any advice for me, please do share in the comments below.
I also have some exciting news to share: My husband and I found out that we were pregnant a month ago after trying for so long! We are very excited, and I am feeling hopeful right now that my sister and I being pregnant at the same time will somehow heal us and bring us together again. Miracles do happen to all of us. God is good all the time, even in our slow, sad, and limbo seasons of life. He is there and working behind the scenes. If you can get one thing out of my story, it would probably be to be there for your loved ones. Please do everything in your power to not let uncomfortable situations tear you apart from the ones who care so dearly for you.
-Anonymous